One of the first things that I realized, besides the pain and sorrow of her not here, is I have never written my thoughts, feelings or memories of Marissa. One reason being that I am not very good with words and when it comes to talking about something from the heart, I know I will not write or say it the way that I feel it. I'm lucky if it will make sense. The other reason for this I don't like to cry and feel I need to be tough when I know that I am quiet the opposite.
I miss Marissa terrible. Even though I only knew her a few years, I feel as if I grew up with her. (For those that don't know, she is really my sister-in-law but that title has always felt weird saying because with my family they are all sisters, brothers, moms and dads. I love them all the same). I remember the first time meeting Marissa, I could tell she was just as excited as I was if not more to be sisters. Since she grew up with all brothers she might have been a little more excited. Marissa gave me the biggest hugs that I felt were meant just for me.
Marissa was beautiful inside and out. She was so beautiful on the outside that I would watch her put on her make-up (which in the end she didn't need) hoping to find her beauty secrets and tips. I did learn a little watching but I knew that it was just natural beauty so there was no hope for me. I was a little envious of her gorgeous wavy hair. She was also great at fixing it up or curling it. Even though she didn't like to wear pony tails, I saw her a few times with one and thought she was still beautiful. Like I said though, she was also beautiful in the inside. I am not a huggy, touchy person. In fact, I still have to consciously remember to give Matthew a hug and kiss every so often because physical touch is awkward for me in ways. Marissa was good, though, about giving you those warm hugs and sincere words of I Love You. Since she did it a lot, even when we were living together, I got more and more used to them with her. In fact, I don't know of a time that I didn't get a hug and praise from her before she left on a trip, to college or even a few times when she was in high school.
Another part of her inside beauty was her testimony and knowledge of the gospel. I feel like a Sunbeam compared to her. I remember, especially after church, we would have conversations on what was said at church in sacrament, Sunday school, or the Young Women/Relief Society lessons and she would point out things that I had never thought of or that I missed in the talk. I was even fortunate to listen to Marissa give a few lessons either at family night or to some of her family like her cousins. She was so in tune with the Spirit. I know the Lord could rely on her to listen, be obedient and to answer prayers.
Marissa was very talented in many ways. Everyone knows that she was especially gifted in music. She loved to play the piano and was very dedicated to learning, memorizing and practicing songs to perfection. She also love to sing while she played, when she could, which was also a blessing to hear. My favorite memories is of Marissa, Mark, Micheal and Matthew singing around the piano while Marissa played. I know the did this for fun, or to perform for church and other functions but also I knew they did it because their parents loved to hear them sing. They are all very gifted in music, so imagine when they all get together.
Marissa was also talented in dance. My funest and maybe funniest memories is of Marissa, in high school years, learning or choreographing dances in the living room. She was really good and also looked good as a dancer but sometime it would be at random. times that you all of a sudden see Marissa jump and do a twirl or start rocking out to a song with the kids.
We all have regrets in life and what ifs. I have to say, no matter how hard I try not to stumble into the thoughts of what if or regrets there are some that creep in. The day that Marissa passed, I was the last one to see her. As usual, Marissa gave me the biggest hug and told me how much she loved me as a sister. The kids were asleep still and I told her, I wish they were awake to give her a hug as well. She said she wish she could give them hugs but she needed to go and she would be back on Wednesday that week for a doctor appointment. She would give them hugs and kisses then. There have been many time that I wish I would have insisted that she stayed to see Ethan and Addison before leaving or delayed her for even a few minutes. Mom (Kimberly) has told me many times that she feels that it was Marissa's time though, no matter if I delayed her or not. I also believe this. Being human, I still have the if only in my head once in a while.
Like I said, I also have regret. Regret of not telling her enough or reciprocating my love for her as she did so easily and loving to me. Regret of not taking more opportunities to bond with her more, like when she wanted to learn how to make the rolls they like to eat. Regret of not having more girls outings. I will admit that I also have regret of being frustrated with Marissa for being so competitive at games. It was pretty interesting to watch us Watkins play games around the table. There was either bickering, laughing non stop and sometimes silent treatments, but we still played and we somehow made it through the games in the end usually smiling and wanting more. This is why I felt part of the family though.
In the end, even with regrets and what ifs, I know one thing for sure. I love Marissa. I miss Marissa. Many times when I talk of Marissa I catch myself saying "we" or "the kids," but I personally love, love, love Marissa. I miss her so much. Just like many I know, I would love to call Marissa up most days and have a chat. Even for a few precious seconds to hear her voice and so I can tell her I love her again. I wish I could store her hug like I have some of her pictures. That is one thing I miss desperately.
Like I said before, I am not good with words, there are many grammatical or spelling errors. It may not make sense in some parts but to my own head. In the end I LOVE MARISSA and I can't wait to see her again.
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